hello.

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I do not know where the dozens of you came from, but my email inbox has been howling at me about you all morning. It appears a popular blog reblogged one of my posts and opened the floodgates. A few things:

-You are wonderful and I hope your day is a fabulous one.

-This is not an anime blog. My blog is about experiencing life with depression and suicidal ideation.

-However, FMA and FMA:B are fantastic shows that convey love and loss with bittersweet beauty, and Mzag captured it very well. I am happy you all love his art so much. His original post is here, and you should follow him.

-I am not using Tumblr regularly anymore and am not sure how often I will post in the future. I invite you to follow my Twitter account, wherein you will find me blabbering about books I like, bands I admire, foolish people I encounter in the city, and general crowish things. If you follow me there, please do let me know who you are.

»> https://twitter.com/crowsight  «<

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i dread suicidal spirals.

not just because i’m lucky(?) to get out alive every time

but i always run the risk of realizing, once i’ve been able to start clawing my way out, that my most cherished friends have severed contact with me, as if i meant it, and there is nobody left.

it’s so hard to stay above water.

i’d apologize, but everyone has moved on. i don’t have the energy left to beg for forgiveness.

[art: 'may 15th' by menton j matthews iii]

16 notes

aqualeneriver:

The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door.~ Clarissa Pinkola Estés

aqualeneriver:

The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door.
~ Clarissa Pinkola Estés

305 notes

what anxiety disorder and panic disorder are like for me.

I filled out this survey about my experience with mental illness, and this is what I wrote about anxiety.

I am living with both anxiety disorder and panic disorder. The anxiety is sometimes worse, sometimes not so bad, but it never, ever goes away. It’s always there, like a grinding feeling. It’s an icy weight in my gut. Sometimes it’s like spikes trying to force their way out of my spine. I get stuck in thought spirals that I cannot climb out of for days.

I cannot fully enjoy my life because I cannot stop obsessing about my health. Every pain is internal bleeding; every bump or bruise or headache or sour stomach is cancer. I don’t go outside much, even on “good” days. I worry about going to the store because I might have a heart attack away from home, but nobody will find me in time to save me. I don’t drive often because I might crash and have my foot severed by a crack in the wheel well. I am terrified every day to say goodbye to my spouse because I don’t want him to come home to find my corpse.

Nothing triggered this; I am fully aware of how irrational it is. I was completely fine until it just … started, one day last year. I have always been very healthy other than IBS, which is a cakewalk in the grand scheme of diseases. This came out of nowhere, and now it won’t leave.

My panic attacks are the same - they are rarely triggered by anything, nor are they ever about anything. They’re purely physical, but socially damning. My blood pressure skyrockets and I hear my blood rushing in my ears. I get horrible crawling, burning prickles all over, and my hands go numb or cold. Sometimes I go almost blind, but I am always very dizzy and disoriented. I can’t breathe or swallow. I can’t form a complete sentence. I get sharp pains in my chest and I have palpitations. Those were very scary at first because I thought I was having cardiovascular problems, but all it is is my brain misreading some signals and going into a flight response.

When I have a panic attack, I just wait til it goes away. It always does, usually after about ten minutes. It happens when I am out in public sometimes - the most recent time was when I was shopping for pastas at Wegmans, which is something that makes me very happy. I was very happy before it happened, in fact. All I could do - all I can ever do - is sit down, close my eyes, and let it pass.

It makes people nervous when I do that and they pull their children away. I have had to stop caring about that, though. I have no choice. People don’t want to understand, but I need to live my life and if I keep caring what other people think I will never leave the house or get anything done. I shouldn’t have to make that choice, but that’s the way it is. My brain screws up how it reads some signals, responds how it’s wired to, and that’s what I have to deal with.

Though, you know, if I’d had an asthma attack or a seizure, people would have come running to help. A panic attack just scares everyone around me, because it’s all in the head - right?

Mental illness is physical. It’s messed up body chemistry or a misreading of neurological signals, just like epilepsy or diabetes or anemia. Please remember this and have compassion.

30 notes

27 augustwhat will i do if someone finds me before i die? should i just quietly abandon my fast, or explain my decision and have them leave?there&#8217;s absolutely no sign or sound of human life here. if somebody finds their way to this spot, i&#8217;ll interpret it as a command from some god to live.in the evening i could hear the sound of insects. i&#8217;m not alone.[from &#8216;the sound of insects,&#8217; a cinematographic recounting of the diary of an unknown man&#8217;s suicide by exposure and starvation][art: &#8216;looking back&#8217; by lesley oldaker]

27 august
what will i do if someone finds me before i die? should i just quietly abandon my fast, or explain my decision and have them leave?

there’s absolutely no sign or sound of human life here. if somebody finds their way to this spot, i’ll interpret it as a command from some god to live.

in the evening i could hear the sound of insects. i’m not alone.


[from ‘the sound of insects,’ a cinematographic recounting of the diary of an unknown man’s suicide by exposure and starvation]
[art: ‘looking back’ by lesley oldaker]

12 notes

49 plays

this green island is like a boat, 
meandering through the moonlight.
darling, you are 
floating in the ocean of my heart.
let the melody of my song follow the breeze
blowing through your curtains.
let my love go with the flowing water,
serenading you.
the coconut tree’s long shadow
cannot hide my gentle love.
the clear bright moonlight
brightens my heart.
this green island night 
appears so peaceful.

darling, why are you 
still silent?


[music: “green island serenade,” performed and translated from mandarin by vienna teng; music by zhou lanping ca. 1954; lyrics believed written by political prisoner gao yudeng]
[art: "deli gucuk" by MelikeAcar]

5 notes

'Some give up their designs when they have almost reached the goal; while others, on the contrary, obtain a victory by exerting, at the last moment, more vigorous efforts than ever before.'[herodotus]-art: untitled piece of &#8216;the labyrinth&#8217; cycle by marcel chirnoaga-

'Some give up their designs when they have almost reached the goal; while others, on the contrary, obtain a victory by exerting, at the last moment, more vigorous efforts than ever before.'

[herodotus]
-art: untitled piece of ‘the labyrinth’ cycle by marcel chirnoaga-

15 notes

we were freaks, lobster-clawed boys and bearded ladies,
oddities juggling depression and loneliness, 
playing solitaire spin the bottle, trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal.
but at night … while the others slept … we kept walking the tightrope.
it was practice; yes, some of us fell. 
but i want to tell them that all of this is just debris,
left over when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought we used to be.
and if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself,
GET A BETTER MIRROR
LOOK A LITTLE CLOSER
STARE A LITTLE LONGER
because there’s something inside you that made you keep trying
despite everyone who told you to quit.
you built a cast around your broken heart and signed it yourself.
you signed it “THEY WERE WRONG.”

[shane koyczan - ‘to this day’]

8 notes

now i have finally seen the endand i&#8217;m not expecting you to carebut i have finally seen the lighti have finally realized i need to lovecome to me, just in a dreamcome on and rescue me[muse - &#8220;madness&#8221;]

now i have finally seen the end
and i’m not expecting you to care
but i have finally seen the light
i have finally realized i need to love

come to me, just in a dream
come on and rescue me

[muse - “madness”]

23 notes

fear not this night, you will not go astraythough shadows fall, still the stars find their wayand you can always be strong lift your voice with the first light of dawndawn is just a heartbeat awayhope is just a sunrise away["fear not this night" - gw2 ost, jeremy soule and ree soesbee]-art: &#8216;light from the beginning of time&#8217; by kenneth callicutt-

fear not this night, you will not go astray
though shadows fall, still the stars find their way
and you can always be strong 
lift your voice with the first light of dawn
dawn is just a heartbeat away
hope is just a sunrise away

["fear not this night" - gw2 ost, jeremy soule and ree soesbee]
-art: ‘light from the beginning of time’ by kenneth callicutt-

53 notes

1,359 plays

"For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, I would instead cause fear! I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful." -the monster, young frankenstein, 1974

[music: “transylvanian lullabye,” by john morris, arranged and performed by erutan (katethegreat19) - violin, glockenspiel, harp, voice]

41 notes

you live again in the shuddering lightof these images this valediction:you are running from a rising tideyou are castaways
[shearwater - &#8220;castaways&#8221;]

you live again in the shuddering light
of these images this valediction:
you are running from a rising tide
you are castaways

[shearwater - “castaways”]

68 notes

now who&#8217;s the best boy and the casting directorand the editor splicing your face from the sceneit&#8217;s all in the hands of a lazy projectorthat forgetting, embellishing, lying machine
[andrew bird - &#8220;lazy projector&#8221;]

now who’s the best boy and the casting director
and the editor splicing your face from the scene
it’s all in the hands of a lazy projector
that forgetting, embellishing, lying machine

[andrew bird - “lazy projector”]

23 notes

the lights go out, i am all aloneall the trees outside are buried in the snowi spend my night dancing with my own shadowand it holds me and it never lets me gomy dear old friend, take me for a spintwo wolves in the dark, running in the windi&#8217;m letting go, but i&#8217;ve never felt betterpassing by all the monsters in my head
[of monsters and men - &#8216;slow and steady&#8217;]

the lights go out, i am all alone
all the trees outside are buried in the snow
i spend my night dancing with my own shadow
and it holds me and it never lets me go
my dear old friend, take me for a spin
two wolves in the dark, running in the wind
i’m letting go, but i’ve never felt better
passing by all the monsters in my head

[of monsters and men - ‘slow and steady’]

49 notes

as the water grinds the stonewe rise and fallas our ashes turn to dustwe shine like stars[covenant - &#8220;bullet&#8221;]

as the water grinds the stone
we rise and fall
as our ashes turn to dust
we shine like stars

[covenant - “bullet”]

40 notes